part of me you carry, part of me is gone
"walls (circus)" by tom petty & a lot of rambling about love and grief and baseball
God, October gets me emo.
I was driving to work the other day, thinking about Rays pitcher Tyler Glasnow being out since April of last year with Tommy John surgery, thinking about how joyful he is and how much he loves the game and how good he is at it and how he was about to take the mound again for the first time in a year and a half THAT VERY DAY and how he’d earned it, he deserves it, WE deserve it, it was going to be so good to see him pitch again, and then suddenly . . . I was crying?
(There is crying in baseball!)
By now, the Rays are out of the post-season, which would give me a reason to cry for a different reason only their elimination game went FOURTEEN SCORELESS INNINGS so somewhere along the way I developed some kind of Stockholm Syndrome and just became numb.
And because I’m an emotional masochist, I’ve also been listening to one of my favorite Tom Petty songs over and over.
some days are diamonds
some days are rocks
some doors are open
some roads are blocked
I say the first two lines of this song so often to myself they could be a personal mantra. They may seem super obvious, but I always thought that one of Tom Petty’s greatest strengths was in his ability to say plain truths in a way that made them hit plain and true. I also believe very strongly in not looking up Tom Petty lyrics — if you were meant to understand them all, god (/Florida living) wouldn’t have given Tom that signature drawl! So if I get any wrong here, well, that’s why. He’s one of my favorite artists and yet there are whole verses I just slur along to.
sundowns are golden
then fade away
and if I never do nothing
I’ll get you back someday
“Nothing gold can stay.” I already know this because the Rays traded Willy Adames. But he’s doing great in Milwaukee and admitted in an interview that he never saw the ball well at the Trop, so I’m happy for him and have made my peace.
‘cause you got a heart so big
it could crush this town
and I can’t hold out forever
even walls fall down
One of the reasons I love romance novels so much — nothing gets me going more than a big-hearted character, someone who puts so much love out in the world but maybe doesn’t always see that about themselves, or know how to receive love in return. And then a person comes along, someone who’s able to see you for who you are and how much you give to everyone else and what you need.
I’m sure I’ll talk a LOT more about this novel in the coming months because it’s truly one of my favorites of all time, but Kate Clayborn’s Georgie, All Along was one I read recently that gave me all those big-hearted kind of feels. Thank you to my friend Jessica Joyce for sending me the ARC like, THE DAY I sent little eyeball emojis secretly fishing for her to do so, and sorry to my friend Erin Connor for the fact that it’s been over a month and I’m still hanging onto it. I’ll get it to you before January, I promise.
and all around your island
there’s a barricade
that keeps out the danger
and holds in the pain
If you’ve read my book, Love in the Time of Serial Killers, you can guess that this is another element in romance novels that I’m drawn to. A character who’s guarded, or prickly, or protective of their heart. It’s so fucking HARD to open yourself up to love or be loved. And depending on past experiences in childhood or other relationships, we’re not always shown how to do it. Another quote from a Kate Clayborn novel (why not, this is Kate Clayborn Appreciation Hour) that I think about all the time:
“You don’t have to love people the way you learned to love at first.”
Ooooof. Seriously, you have to wait until January 2023 for Georgie, All Along but you can read Love at First or Kate’s other books RIGHT NOW.
and sometimes you’re happy
sometimes you cry
half of me is ocean
half of me is sky
If this newsletter is all over the place, I’m sorry! This month is also super busy for me, between promoting LITTOSK and Book 2 edits and my day job and four crucial games of baseball being played every day. I desperately want to be half-ocean, half-sky. That sounds nice.
and some things are over
some things go on
and part of me you carry
part of me is gone
I really do miss Tom Petty. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, maybe because his birthday is coming up later this month (October 20, making him a Libra and not a Scorpio! You don’t know how this rocked me! In my mind he’s always been a Scorpio! I know astrology isn’t “real” blah blah blah but also I’m going to have to move some things around in my brain to accommodate this).
I remember October 2, 2017, finding out that Tom Petty had died. My sister and I were in Atlanta to see Paramore and Best Coast play at Fox Theatre. It felt so odd, to have this sadness at the same time as this incredible joy, and all of it to do with music. On the drive back, we blasted Tom Petty’s Greatest Hits collection while we drove through Gainesville, slurring all the words we didn’t know.
If you enjoy this newsletter, feel free to share it or find me to tell me! Below are a few places I’m around the internet and in person right now:
I’ve been on a few podcasts lately, including Uncorking a Story with Mike Carlon. I talked a lot about my writing journey, my interest in true crime, and the importance of perseverance and community in writing. I also got Mike into Paramore because he messaged me after the episode about their new song “This is Why” and said they had a “great sound.” *pumps fist*
This Friday, October 14, I’ll be at the Wiregrass B&N signing copies of my book! If you’re local to the Tampa/Wesley Chapel area, come out and see me.
Currently reading . . . I got Clap When You Land by Elizabeth Acevedo from the library and OOOOOF. It’s so good. I loved Poet X, I loved With the Fire on High, but this may just be my favorite book of hers I’ve read. The way she’s able to get across so much characterization and exposition and emotion in verse. It’s incredible.
watching . . . I mean . . . baseball lol. As a family, we’ve also been watching a lot of Unghetto Mathieu’s Diamond Tester videos. This one had us cracking up so hard during dinner that it was low-key a choking hazard.
listening to . . . for whatever reason, listening to that Tom Petty song so much got me in the mood to listen to Jonathan Richman again. Much like Tom Petty, one of the things that makes Jonathan Richman fun to sing along to is that you never know when he’ll say “baby” versus when he’ll say “darling.” He keeps you on your toes. (He uses “dear” in this song a lot and it’s very sweet.) I also love loose, almost conversational backing vocals, like it’s just your friends doing a little call-and-response in the background while you sing. In this case, that’s literally what it is, because Jonathan addresses them by name and asks them to weigh in. Sometimes I play this song for myself just to hear Jonathan and his friends tell me I’m okay, I’m all right, I can do anything I really believe in (they know it).
I really loved this! Walls has been one of my favorite songs since I heard it on Casey Kasem's Top 40 when I was a preteen.