playing under the table and dreaming

"ants marching" by dave matthews band & romance recs for samantha irby

When I read in Samantha Irby’s newsletter that she was reading more romance lately for “~research~,” my mind started firing on all cylinders! The amount I thought about those little tildes! Or wavy lines, whatever they’re called if they’re not over a letter!

I LOVE Samantha Irby. In a chill way, since I will undoubtedly be tagging her into this list on social media, unabashedly thirsty for her attention and validation. Her newsletter is HILARIOUS. I used to read her Judge Mathis recaps the second they dropped while I was at work, because I couldn’t help myself, but then I’d be SMILING and audibly snort-laughing, red flags for time theft because you know normally I was just sitting there sending my little “Attached please find . . . “ emails with a stoic face.

If I was going to write a newsletter for Samantha Irby, it felt fitting that I should listen to her favorite Dave Matthews. He was always a joke to me, for the same boring and small-minded reasons he tends to be a joke to some people (joyful dad jams, silly dancing, dumping human waste into the Chicago River, etc.). But I love the way Irby loves him, I love the way she writes about his music (if you haven’t read her latest essay collection Quietly Hostile yet, this is your sign!!), so I went back and gave his music another chance.

I do love “Ants Marching.” I actually have such a visceral reaction even to the album art for Under the Table and Dreaming that I literally picture the kitchen table of my childhood — one of those ones with white tiles on the top, the grout a trap for every bit of food, a BITCH to clean (my mother made me use a toothbrush to scrub it), too bumpy to do your homework on . . . why were these tables so popular in the ‘90s? And yet I listen to this record and I feel somehow like I’m literally under that table and dreaming, something I never did. (More like under that table with the same fucking toothbrush, amirite.)

It’s impossible not to dance to this song. And it lifts something inside me, in that very ‘90s time-lapse music video kind of way, in that “I’m watching a plastic bag dance in the wind and thinking about how there’s so much beauty in the world” kind of way. When his voice goes up on “Take these chances . . .” I don’t know. It’s a banger.

That wonderful, expansive, it-would-be-embarrassing-if-I-weren’t-so-goddamn-earnest-about-it feeling is what romance novels give me, to be honest. And since I love nothing more than recommending books to people who might be newer to the genre, I figured I’d compile a list of books I specifically thought Samantha Irby would enjoy, for her “~research~” but also for our shared enjoyment!

1. Love in the Time of Serial Killers by me. Let’s get this out of the way so we can all relax lol. OBVIOUSLY I would be incredibly honored to have Samantha Irby even know my book EXISTED, much less read it and hopefully enjoy my niche Simpsons reference and the Macdonald triad joke I really had to fight to keep in my romance about a prickly, guarded woman and the disturbingly well-adjusted man next door. And you’ll see that I unironically love “Tubthumping” so people in Chumbawamba houses probably shouldn’t throw Dave Matthews stones.

2. The Art of Scandal by Regina Black. Regina calls this book The Good Wife meets Scandal and it’s so accurate. This one is soapy and dramatic and DELICIOUS. The first line: “When your husband of thirteen years sends a close-up of his erect penis, you should not, any under circumstances, ask him why he sent it.” SAMANTHA!! These are characters with Judge Mathis-level problems but invested in keeping up appearances otherwise. You’ll devour it! Also, Julie Plec is developing this into a TV show SO I’M KEEPING MY TATERS PEELED.

3. Lips Like Sugar by Jess K Hardy. The Gen X romance we deserve! Tiger Balm and menopause can be sexy! Or at least the frank conversations about them can be sexy lol. Putting the “hot” back in “hot flash.” Technically this is the second in a series but you can read the books as standalones and I read this one more recently so I’m going to go with it.

4. A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams. Okay, so full disclosure, I haven’t read this one yet. I’ve been kinda saving it in a “Break in Case of Emergency” kind of way. But Tia Williams books ALWAYS fuck so I feel confident recommending it. It’s about music, it’s her newest release, and I want you to be on the cutting edge!! But also pick up any Tia Williams book and you can’t go wrong.

5. When Grumpy Met Sunshine by Charlotte Stein. THE THINGS THAT COME OUT OF THESE CHARACTERS’ MOUTHS. Dirty talk, awkward blurting, there is just some of the wildest dialogue in this book in a way I really enjoyed. I felt like I never knew what they were going to say next. Kept me on my toes.

6. How You Get the Girl by Anita Kelly. Full disclosure for this one: Anita Kelly is one of my favorite people in the entire world!! This book is so gentle and warmly funny plus sapphic! I love the representation of “I don’t even know how to be in a relationship and don’t know what I want or what feels good” but also there’s a former college basketball star you used to look up to ready to patiently show you.

7. Next Door Nemesis by Alexa Martin. I feel like you are a person who appreciates how fucking dumb suburban HOA beefs can be, which means you will DIE over this romance where a woman moves back to Ohio to live with her parents and ends up rage-running for HOA president against a guy who she has history with from high school. Finally a romance for anyone who’s received a grainy picture of their own vehicle mailed to them with a code violation notice!

8. Just Like Magic by Sarah Hogle. Do you love the comfort of Hallmark movies but wish they were just a little more bonkers? Then do I have the book for you! She’s a former rich girl influencer, still current spoiled brat, who summons the actual Holiday Spirit in his corporeal form by playing “All I Want for Christmas Is You” backwards! As you do! A book I wish I could read for the first time again. I hope you live close to a Cracker Barrel.

9. Here We Go Again by Alison Cochrun. Technically this one doesn’t publish for another month, but that’s just how PIPING FRESH this list is! A sapphic road trip romance with a hilarious old man side character along for the ride. Touching, heartfelt, with such good banter because nothing brings out the sparks quite like fighting over road trip snacks, right?

10. Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert. I spent approximately 5 songs into this Dave Matthews Essentials playlist trying to figure out which Brown sisters book to put on this list. I got all the way up to “Crush,” which oh fuck, happens to be one of the most beautiful songs I’d ever heard and I’d forgotten that part of Dave Matthews? Anyway, all this to say that every Brown sisters book is a hit single but this one happens to be my favorite and also has some meta-rep of romance novels in it.

11. How to End a Love Story by Yulin Kuang. Another one hot off the presses that publishes in April — this one is about two writers working in a writers’ room together, which I think you’ll have an extra appreciation for since you’ve lived it! It’s also complicated and tense and a little messy; it’s a great fucking book.

12. The Neighbor Favor by Kristina Forest. Personally, I am TRASH for “we’ve been communicating anonymously and now we’re connected in real life without even knowing it’s the same person!” A You’ve Got Mail plot, if you will. This one is about a nonfiction book editor who ends up corresponding with her favorite fantasy author but SPOILER ALERT now he’s her neighbor!! (In my defense, it’s in the title.)

13. Mistakes Were Made by Meryl Wilsner. Meeting a hot older woman in a bar and hooking up with her? Good! Turns out that woman is your college roommate’s mom? WHOOPS! If you’re looking to flirt with a little “taboo” romance I can’t promise this will get you as far as elder lesbian nun porn (note to everyone else: please read Quietly Hostile so you don’t think I’m just pulling this stuff out of my ass) but it’s highly entertaining.

14. Road Trip Rewind by Kate and Danny Tamberelli. This one comes out in May and makes me think of you for two reasons: first, the Gen X music references in particular are SUPREME. (Co-author Danny Tamberelli played Little Pete on Nickelodeon’s Pete & Pete, so you KNOW he has ‘90s cred.) Second, I read The Oracle Year by Charles Soule on your personal recommendation (aka your official BOTM blurb lol) so I know you can fuck with some time travel and speculative elements in a book.

15. Funny You Should Ask by Elissa Sussman. I feel like if you’ve read Romantic Comedy you’re already flirting with Funny You Should Ask. I would ABSOLUTELY fall in love with a celebrity I wrote a profile of many years ago and then still think about it and think about it until I had the chance to meet up with them again to see if the sparks are still there (SPOILER THEY ARE).

16. Pride and Protest by Nikki Payne. The most hilarious, clever, snappy retelling of Pride and Prejudice you can imagine. I actually *may* even love Nikki’s new Austen retelling, Sex, Lies and Sensibility even more, but we gotta start you off with the classic. You will soon be well-versed enough in romance novel tropes to appreciate the “just one nap pod” spin on “just one bed,” too.

17. Midnight Duet by Jen Comfort. I have a feeling my new favorite Jen Comfort novel is about to be the one I have sitting on my TBR right now (What Is Love?, out 4/1), but I think you’re going to die over Christof with his silver blond hair and low-slung leather pants and German accent and . . . love of accounting? This Phantom of the Opera retelling is off-the-wall in the best possible way and just in case you’re thinking, “ooof I don’t even like Phantom of the Opera,” I don’t know shit about it, I almost just typed Phantom of the Menace lolol but still I had the best time with this book.

18. That Time I Got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming. If you’re getting into romance in 2024, you are inevitably going to be asked your stance on monster fucking! It’s a sign of the times, we gotta innovate or die! This book is pure scenery-chewing camp and it’s a blast to read. I feel like you would recap this series beautifully.

Okay, that wraps up my romance recommendations for now! If you’re not familiar with Samantha Irby’s work, I HIGHLY recommend you read her books in any order that strikes your fancy (I read them chronologically as they came out) and subscribe to her newsletter. If you can get away with it, read them at work! The boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that’s why I read about peoples Accordions of Truth on company time!

Currently reading . . . I just finished Barely Even Friends by Mae Bennett and it was such a delight! A modern day Beauty & the Beast retelling complete with home renovations and reclusive former football stars and a suspenders kink and an AI butler. You’ll see how it all comes together.

watching . . . We finally just finished rewatching the first season of True Detective so we could watch the new season with Jodie Foster. Man, can Matthew McConaughey CRY. I would watch anything where he just BREAKS DOWN because he does it so beautifully, is that weird to say? And Woody Harrelson had to have the clearest sinuses ever after this role because he was always blowing air out of his nostrils like a bull. I loved it the first time I watched it; I loved it even more the second time around.

listening to . . . In addition to Dave Matthews, I’ve been listening to Hole’s Live Through This while I read Anwen Crawford’s 33 1/3 book on the album for . . . let’s just say ~research~

preordering . . . Lynn Painter’s Happily Never After is out next week! He’s a professional “wedding objector” and she wants in. I read it last year and it was a lot of fun!