this machine is killing me

"lost boys" by phoebe bridgers & some thoughts on social media

Have you listened to the new Phoebe Bridgers yet?

I know, the song’s been out for two weeks by now. But cut me some slack — I had to post about my book release and tour! It took me a minute to get to this one.

I don’t pretend to be the most OG Phoebe fan out there — I didn’t get into her music until after Stranger in the Alps came out — but I go back pretty far. I still remember her social media then, how open it felt, how much she used to share about her life. If you followed her, you saw pictures of her walking her dog, you knew her favorite burrito spots, you were privy to her sarcastic humor or thoughts on whatever was happening in the world.

She still had hundreds of thousands of followers then, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like you could comment and expect any kind of response. But she still felt very accessible, very easy to form a parasocial bond with.

And then she went kinda dark.

I know she’s talked about it in interviews, how the parasocial nature of social media started to get to her, how she wanted out. When she pivoted to doing more with boygenius, her personal instagram became something of a ghost town, there only to occasionally post some bit of boygenius news about an album drop or tour dates. Now that she’s releasing her first new solo record since Punisher in 2020, her socials are a bit more alive again, but still somewhat reserved, a carefully curated slice of what she wants you to see. The other day she posted to her stories a product listing for an SM57 mic, the number “57” circled, an explanation for the otherwise cryptic lyric when you threw a tantrum with a 57 from this new song.

Look, I don’t have any delusions of being on Phoebe Bridgers’ level, and certainly my star has not exploded in the last few years the way hers has. But I do understand these bad feelings around social media, this desire to pull away. The issue when you’re at the level that I’m at — that a lot of authors are at — is . . . can you? They say social media doesn’t really sell books, but I don’t know that I agree with that. I don’t think a giveaway or posting “thank you!” under a release roundup is making the difference to sales that, say, publisher efforts can make. But I do think there’s some cumulative intangible effect, some reminder to people that you exist, that your books are out there, that maybe they should pick one up the next time they’re at a bookstore.

So what do you do when it’s just not fun anymore?

You’re not supposed to respond to reviews, I know, but sometimes if I got tagged in one I’d draft a response and then delete it. This one’s from a while ago.

I’m trying to make social media more fun for myself again, but I don’t quite know how to do that. One thing I had to do a while ago was just stop checking my tags entirely — good, bad, indifferent, whatever’s over there, I don’t really need to know about it. The problem with reviews being “reader spaces” (even when they tag us in?) is that to see the good ones you might want to respond to, you have to weed through any bad ones and then I guess just sit on your hands to avoid engaging. I’m not looking to do any of that! Let them be reader spaces, then. I’m the opposite of Phoebe in this regard — I do feel bad, but I’m not sorry. It’s what I’ve had to do to even want to open up the app anymore.

You always worry when you share this kind of stuff that you sound ungrateful. The thing is, I’m so grateful. Believe me when I say that all authors are aware that without people reading our books and talking about our books . . . our careers wouldn’t exist. Booksellers, librarians, bookstagrammers, even the person who reads a book and then quietly tells a friend about it over lunch and you never hear from either of them, they all matter. It can just be exhausting to perform gratitude online, over and over.

You also worry that it sounds like you must be getting sooooo much hate online or something, like every time you log on it’s nothing but bad reviews. With In Every Possible Way, I can honestly tell you that the reviews have been mostly great! So many people have said it’s my best book yet, and you know what, I think I might agree with them! But I can also tell you that without feeling like I’m being hella conceited because it’s not like the book is blowing anything out of the water, sales-wise. It’s actually been my most underwhelming release yet, believe it or not. It’s early days, I know, book sales are down across the board, blah blah blah, but still. It’s another reason why sometimes it can actually be painful to see those good reviews, too, because you’re just like, okay, I don’t know what to do with this, I just need to focus on revising my next book I guess.

Every author is different, and has different strengths. I know for a lot of people, social media stuff comes more naturally to them — they like doing funny videos, or posting trope graphics, or whatever else. Unfortunately, those are not my strong suits! I hate being on camera! I don’t think in tropes! I feel such dread every time I open up Canva! I’d rather write a 3,000 word newsletter than a 50-word instagram caption, seriously!! That’s why I’m here writing this instead of posting about my book on instagram like I should be doing haha.

For the last year or so, my approach to social media has just been to pull away from it more and more — I set app limits on myself so I get timed out, and I’ve cut down on everything I check over there, from tags to DMs. But then that also has made me feel a little isolated sometimes, like I’m missing out on stuff that I used to enjoy, so it doesn’t feel like the complete solution. I’m trying to figure out a balance that feels good, where I can post about my books sometimes and engage with other people’s content and share memes or silly updates without it all feeling like it’s dragging me under.

Yesterday I posted a story that was nothing but me scrolling through my copious notes about the JFK assassination with Steve Tyler warbling in the background every moment with you is a moment I treasure . . . and that was the first thing that made me feel happy about social media in months. I’m sorry, it just made me laugh. Even thinking about it now is kinda getting to me. I took so many notes that it took me 51 seconds just to scroll through them.

Like Phoebe used to do Instagram lives all the time during the early days of lockdown. Is that part of the secret? Was social media more fun then, when we needed it so much for connection, and now it’s swinging the other way?

I really like this new song/video from Phoebe, and I’m excited to hear the whole album when it drops in August. I appreciate that she understands how freeing driving can feel — going 90 in a 55 here, but also 25 felt like flying or driving out into the sun, it’s a motif she returns to and I’m into it. I appreciate the way she’s always circling fucked up sad boys you want to help but also know that you can’t. (Is it lost boys, find me or lost boys find me? With comma or without?) The way you’re always thinking about other people even if they’ve wronged you (I wonder how you’re sleeping), the way you can reconnect and make everything okay even if only for an instant (hands in each other’s hair, we are born again). The video fits the song perfectly, I think, kind of nostalgic and achingly melancholy but also triumphant and joyous.

I’ll be at a few more places in the coming weeks, including a BASEBALL event and a joint event with one of my favorite people!

• July 10 at 5:30pm ET - LoanDepot Park (Miami, FL) at a book swap event with the Miami Marlins!!! Ticket includes a pre-game panel presentation and then a ticket to the game itself!

• July 18 at 7pm ET - The New Romantics (Orlando, FL) at a joint event with Rachel Lynn Solomon (sold out; signing line tickets only available)

Currently reading . . . I’ve been listening to 11/22/63 by Stephen King on audio after finishing the show. I really think I did this in the right order! I know traditionally you’re supposed to read the book first, but I think if I’d read the book and then seen the show I would’ve been more irritated at certain choices the show made. Whereas now I got to enjoy the show and then go back and read the text that’s a much more drawn out, richer version of the story.

I also just finished rereading The Stepford Wives by Ira Levin. This was a suggestion from newsletter reader Jessica, who said “it’s short but poignant” and that “it stands up.” I totally agree! I had read it before, a couple times, including once after hearing a You’re Wrong About episode on it where I sent Sarah Marshall a kind of unhinged email about some of the stuff I found brilliant about the book. I’m thinking I may write a breakdown for this one for my paid newsletter subscribers this weekend. There really is a lot to it.

watching . . . I needed something light, so I went back to ANTM on my journey to try to watch every cycle. I’m up to Cycle 13, the “short girls” one. I recorded a clip of Tyra saying “I didn’t walk on that set like I don’t like my makeup” (hand on chin, dejected), “I went I don’t like my makeup” (tossing hair, smizing). I think it might actually be helpful to me.

listening to . . . Lately there’s just been a lot of music playing in my neighborhood. I’m not entirely sure why — a Fourth of July party, maybe, and then other than that, people doing yard work or out in their pools, cars driving by with their windows down, who knows. I really like it. I was on a walk the other day and I heard Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love” blaring in a way where I was like oh damn, is someone going through a breakup? You just don’t crank that song like that if you’re not. An Amazon driver pulled up and through his open car door I could hear the start of Hootie and the Blowfish, which for a second I mistook for Blues Traveler, and I thought, what a time to be alive.