only when i'm dancing can i feel this free
"get into the groove" by madonna & some stuff i'm thinking about on june 12
June 12 has been a special day to me for a long time, because it’s Anne Frank’s birthday and I’ve loved The Diary of a Young Girl since I first read it when I was 10 years old.
Of course we all know the story of Anne Frank — the history, the context, what a symbol she became of goodness and innocence in the middle of such an evil time. But I’ve also always really admired her as a writer. I truly think that her diary was one of the most formative texts I could’ve read as a young girl, because she was just so observant and funny and thoughtful and descriptive. She made me want to look at the world in a different way; she made me want to write it all down.
She said in her diary, “I don’t think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.” I think about this quote all the time, and it’s gotten me through some stuff. I think what inspires me is not even the quote itself — which, yes, is very well said! — but the idea that a person’s heart could be this open even after seeing some of the worst that humanity has to offer. I DO think of the misery, unfortunately, but I try to think of the beauty, too. I try to keep my heart that open.
![left image is of my bookshelf, which includes a bunch of copies of The Diary of a Young Girl stacked among Crime and Punishment, The Count of Monte Cristo, Man's Search for Meaning, To Kill a Mockingbird, and the Emily of New Moon books; the right image is of a typed bibliography for a report I did on Anne Frank when I was in elementary school featuring some really interesting font choices (brush script?!?! some all caps old gothic looking thing?)](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc7b6b75f-b3c9-469f-a5a7-537d87469049_4032x3024.jpeg)
![left image is of my bookshelf, which includes a bunch of copies of The Diary of a Young Girl stacked among Crime and Punishment, The Count of Monte Cristo, Man's Search for Meaning, To Kill a Mockingbird, and the Emily of New Moon books; the right image is of a typed bibliography for a report I did on Anne Frank when I was in elementary school featuring some really interesting font choices (brush script?!?! some all caps old gothic looking thing?)](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_720,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fafb07452-90d6-4743-945c-88f95641f7c9_4032x3024.jpeg)
One time when I repeated this quote to myself a lot was after the Pulse Nightclub shooting, which also happened on June 12, making today the eighth anniversary of that event. I can still feel the way panic seized my chest in the days afterward. I still carry the grief of that tragedy to this day. It hit me especially hard because it happened in Orlando, so close to home. You can’t be in the queer community in Central Florida and not know people personally affected by what happened at Pulse.
The song and lyric title for this week come from a piece I remember reading about that event which really moved me — “Only When I’m Dancing Can I Feel This Free: Queer liberation, dreams, and self-discovery on the dance floor” by Alfred Soto. It covers the importance of dancing to Latin culture and to queer culture, and I recommend you read the whole thing but I especially love the last lines: “We mourn the dead in Orlando. We honor them by continuing their work — which is to say, by continuing their play. Only when we’re dancing can we feel this free.”
The beauty that remains indeed.
My friend, St. Pete poet Tyler Gillespie, wrote a poem dedicated to one of the people lost that night — Christopher Andrew “Drew” Leinonen, who (somewhat coincidentally for this newsletter) earned the Anne Frank Humanitarian Award from the St. Pete Holocaust Museum for starting the first gay-straight alliance at his high school in 2002.
Here’s the poem, “On a Dancefloor in FL,” so you can read this beautiful tribute:
I’ve had the subject of this newsletter planned for some time — these connections between Anne Frank, Pulse, misery, beauty, tragedy, joy. And then my dear friend Anita Kelly announced they were releasing a new book on June 11, Heartwaves, and I was like FUCK well I’m going to want to talk about THAT obviously . . . but you know what, I think it fits right in. One thing Anita does so beautifully is write about complicated human emotions, the love and grief and the way they all tangle up together, and Heartwaves is the epitome of that gift.
Take Jesús’ “Death Party Playlist,” for example. In the book, Mae is mourning the loss of a friend who died before the beginning of the story, and she1 listens to this playlist of mostly dance bops in honor of his memory. You already know how much I love music and emotional it can get me, so of COURSE this was one of my favorite threads running through the book! Mae greatly misses her friend and would do anything to have him back, but it’s also the money he leaves her and the bravery his death inspires that act as the catalyst for Mae to go after her dream — opening an inclusive, cozy bookstore in the Oregon coastal town of Greyfin Bay. Her new landlord, Dell, seems grumpy and disapproving at first, but he can’t help but be drawn to Mae’s spirit and it’s not long before he’s dreaming right alongside her.
There’s so much of what I love about Anita Kelly and their books in Heartwaves — characters who are complicated and flawed but good-hearted and tender and real. An exquisitely rendered setting. A soft, gentle humor with an occasional edge of bittersweet melancholy. Plus Mae and Dell are both older, and queer, and still trying to figure a lot out. Plus PLUS my best friend’s bathroom decor gets a shout-out in the book (long story, but I’m excited about it).
I also wanted to round out the newsletter with some more stuff that’s been bringing me joy lately. First, you know about my journey to get over my fear of biking! One thing I didn’t share was that I had this private goal for myself to bike as many miles in one year as the bike had cost to buy. It just felt like idk, a good way to make sure I was getting my money’s worth? A good way to encourage me to keep going?
Well, lately it has been HOT (it’s Florida, it’s pretty brutal from May through October), so I’ve been biking less and less. I looked at my Ride Tracker app and realized I was in TROUBLE if I was going to make my goal by the end of the year. I’m just going to tell you what it is even tho I’m a little embarrassed by how expensive my bike was! It was super cute, okay?! It was a Christmas gift for myself and I never buy Christmas gifts for myself! Anyway, after tax let’s round up to $700 just to give it an even number.
So my goal was to bike 700 miles this year. As of a couple weeks ago I was at about 175 — not bad! But not on track for 700. So I decided to instate something I call “Records + Rides.”
Basically, Records + Rides is just what it sounds like. You pick a record — in my mind, an ideal choice is one in the 40-45 minute range, relatively upbeat, and something you’d like to spend some time with. I thought it would be a good way to listen to a record you wanted to get to know better, or just hadn’t gotten around to listening to because you’re still listening to Third Eye Blind (1997) again. As an example.
Our first record was Weezer’s Everything Will Be Alright in the End, which is post- the Weezer I listened to but which my son insisted was really good. This was my first experience with it as I rode 6.4 miles in 90+ degree weather after having not gotten on a bike in over a month lol:
“Aint Got Nobody” a perfect song to coast out of the driveway and onto the street
“Back to the Shack” my son’s right; this does feel like classic Weezer
“Eulogy for a Rock Band” Adios rock band! wind in my face, loving it
“Lonely Girl” again, the vibes are SO GOOD for riding your bike around neighborhoods
“I’ve Had It Up to Here” okay, is this uphill?!?!?! I *have* had it up to here
“The British Are Coming” British could’ve came and went, I would’ve had no idea
“Da Vinci” da vinci more like disassociated
“Go Away” wait is that my girl Beth Cosentino from Best Coast?!? second wind!
“Cleopatra” 5-10-15-20-25-30-35-40!!!!
“Foolish Father” I like the way they bring the album title back in this one
“The Futurescope Trilogy: I. The Waste Land” this song came on RIGHT as I had to navigate a very narrow uphill sidewalk, fully leaning forward on the bike, a fence on one side and a hedge on the other, and this is EXACTLY the song you want playing when running that kind of gauntlet, go take a listen and tell me I’m wrong
“The Futurescope Trilogy: II. Anonymous” whew we’re in the home stretch
“The Futurescope Trilogy: III. Return to Ithaka” whose bright idea was that?!?! (what I literally asked my family when we coasted back in the driveway after the album had finished)
Anyway! I have now successfully completed Records + Rides a few times, all with this record as my soundtrack. I really enjoy it! And I’m up to 207 miles. Look at me go.
As you all probably know, The Art of Catching Feelings is out next week! One thing that’s been causing me a bit of agita behind the scenes is my preorder swag. I commissioned this beautiful art print and baseball cards from illustrator Jenifer Prince, but then the act of actually getting everything PRINTED felt almost insurmountable for whatever reason. Decisions about what kind of paper, gloss or matte, is the file size right for what they want me to upload, will it ship in time, do I need a test print first, and on and on. This is the kind of shit I can get STRESSED over.
So, I just took it all to a local print shop, and basically was like “YOU tell ME, please.” And what a great experience it was! I explained what I wanted, and this older woman said, “Here, honey, just come behind the counter” and led me to the back where she had me stick my flash drive right into her computer and stand over her shoulder while she started opening a folder titled with their naming conventions and dragging my files into it. I explained how I wanted the art print but that I was worried about any of the picture getting cut off — “Oh, I won’t let anything happen to his little paw,” she said about the cat at the bottom of the frame.
She was VERY impressed with the art and kept asking if I was the artist and I had to say no lol, that part’s not me. But when I came to pick up the final product today, she was like, “So what is it that you do? This is for promotion?” I explained that I was an author, and thought briefly — embarrassedly — to the sliiiiiightly suggestive excerpt I’d included to put on the back of the art print. It was lightly drizzling, and she helped me carry the heavy boxes out to the trunk of my car, making sure I closed them up to keep them dry. “Hope your book is a success!” she said as she waved and went back into the store. Everything about this experience was awesome! Putting money into a local business! Narrating my neuroses so someone else could assure me they had it all under control! I’m just so pleased with it, which is why I wanted to share it with you.
So. You know the drill, but just in case! You can preorder The Art of Catching Feelings directly from my local indie Tombolo Books, and I’ll sign and personalize the book any way you want! Just write your personalization request in the comments to your order. You also will automatically get the art print, baseball cards, and Carolina Battery sticker with your order.
If you’re coming to my launch event at Tropicana Field (!!!) on June 20, I’ll have all the swag with me then! I’m also planning to come dressed in full Carolina Battery fit, which I’m pretty excited about lol. I love me a uniform. Should I buy some eye black, or is that going too far?
I’ll also have all the swag with me at various events I’ll be doing to promote the book (Spellbound on 6/22, East City Bookshop on 6/28, The Ripped Bodice in Brooklyn on 7/1, Parnassus Books on 7/8, The Novel Neighbor on 7/11, and Eagle Eye Bookshop on 7/13).
Finally, if you can’t come to an event and preordered from anywhere other than Tombolo (including internationally), you can fill out my Google form and I’ll send the preorder swag to you separately! That’s what I’ve been working on packaging up at my desk, and I just addressed a bunch of envelopes by hand before my husband came out and said, “ . . . you know I could’ve printed you labels for those, right?” Working harder not smarter!! The opposite of what my college orientation t-shirt told me to do!
I’ll next be in your inbox on Tuesday, June 18, because I just won’t be able to wait the extra day!!! Sorry for all the exclamation points in this newsletter but I’m excited!!!!!!
Currently reading . . . I just finished A Love Like the Sun by Riss M. Neilson and ahhhhhhhhhh this book. When friends to lovers hits, it just HITS, you know? The relationship between Laniah and Isaac felt so real and lived in, and you just knew these are two people who see each other and love each other and want to be there for each other. It’s a slow burn but when it got lit, that fire was burning. I was supposed to be Riss’ conversation partner for an event at Steamy Lit Bookstore in Deerfield Beach this Saturday, June 15, but unfortunately Riss got sick and couldn’t travel. BUT I read the book! And loved it! And prepared questions! And promised my kids a beach vacay lol. So I’m still planning to come to the bookstore and try to celebrate Riss’ book in SOME way, and I hope if you happened to be planning to do the same you’ll still join us even though you won’t be able to get your book signed. (I know the odds that someone is reading this who lives in the area and was going to go are probably small, but . . . just in case?)
watching . . . I’ve been watching Girls5eva while packaging up preorder goodies! It’s funny — I’m really enjoying it so far!
listening to . . . My new “Records + Rides” album is Chappell Roan’s The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess so I am H-O-T-T-O-G-O! I’m also separately listening to a podcast about the OJ Simpson trial, which brings with it another connection to June 12. This is the kind of thing I’m cursed to think about.
preordering . . . Okay, well, first of all, do I even need to say my book lolol. No, I don’t, because I already included all the links above, but YES, June 18 is the day for The Art of Catching Feelings!!!!!!! At last!!!!!!!!! A few other June 18 releases I am honored to share the day with:
Right Where We Left Us by Jen Devon
One-Star Romance by Laura Hankin
A Shore Thing by Joanna Lowell
Mae uses she/they pronouns, and since “she/her” is used predominantly in the narrative of the novel, I’m also using she/her here for consistency.
What is the podcast that you're listening to about the O.J. Simpson trial called? Both the Bronco chase and his trial are forever burned into my memory; my dad was retired by then and he and my mom would discuss the televised trial at dinner in great detail. I find the entire situation to be endlessly fascinating and have since read Jeffrey Toobin's "Run for His Life: The People vs. O.J. Simpson" as well as watched the American Crime Story miniseries adaptation of it and O.J.: Made in America.
I love that you shared your print shop story, because isn't that the dream, to have someone you can just say "you're the expert, tell me what to do" to when you're overwhelmed and then it all works out. I'm also very impressed that you're keeping with biking even through the summer; I'm definitely just hibernating May-October.