want to get myself back in again/the soft dive of oblivion

"how's it going to be" by third eye blind & a bunch of random stuff

Every once in a while, your To Do list is out of control and your mental health is in the toilet and a hurricane is headed your way, so you deserve a little Fuck-Off Newsletter. As a treat.

aka let’s talk about Third Eye Blind again!!

For those of you brand new to the newsletter, I inexplicably decided to get into Third Eye Blind only in the Year of Our Lord 2023. I’d heard the radio hits, of course, but never dug any deeper than that. So I went back and listened to a bunch and it turns out . . . it’s kinda nothing but bangers? At one point I turned to my husband and said, “You’re not going to want to hear this, but . . . Third Eye Blind is a perfect album.”

Now, I VERY MUCH remembered the Third Eye Blind music videos of that era, including this one for “How’s It Going to Be,” because they played a lot during my Custodial Visits where my dad had cable (my mom’s house did not) and I would park myself in front of the TV and make mix VHS tapes. (A lot of Natalie Imbruglia, Savage Garden, Spice Girls, that broken phone booth song, when I come across a Custodial VHS Mix Tape Song I viscerally KNOW it.)

Sometimes when I write a newsletter about a particular song, I pull up the Genius lyric annotations because, idk, I like seeing if the band ever did an interview about the song or what people’s interpretations might be. I especially love when annotations take their job of explaining a song very seriously, like the lyric is “please, please, please let me get what I want” and the annotator is like, “This is a man desperate to fulfill his heart’s desire.” Some of the ones for “How’s It Going to Be” are pretty brilliant:

I’m only pretty sure that I can’t take anymore/before you take a swing (“Vocalist Stephan Jenkins uses a physical fight as an overarching metaphor the verbal and emotional abuse in his current relationship”)

I wonder how’s it going to be/when you don’t know me (“Though Jenkins is not redacting any of the previous comments, he does make it clear that he’s pondering what the future would be like . . .”)

(considering I spent a long time thinking about the choices behind “Going to Be” vs. “Gonna Be” and the use of a question mark or not in the title, I’m not above overanalyzing a song)

I didn’t even know what he was saying in the title lyric to this newsletter until I looked the lyrics up! I always thought it was something about using his key again and assumed it was a reference to how they used to live together or something lol. And when I sing along to this song in the car, I am incapable for whatever reason of getting this line right: "like the hammock by the doorway/we spent time in/swings empty . . .” I always skip over the “we spent time in” part and then trip over myself trying to catch up.

I get what the song is about. That feeling when you’ve been in a relationship with someone, but you can tell it’s not going to work out. And you’re a little like “how’s it going to be when we’re not in each other’s lives anymore” but also “good riddance yeah maybe we were toxic together” but also “fuck, I do miss you, though.” (btw anyone who ever wants to come for Taylor for writing breakup albums is free to get in line to talk about this album, Stabbing Westward’s Wither Blister Burn + Peel, etc.)

I am dying to know, though — what was going through their minds when they made this video?! Do they not see how it . . . makes the song seem super threatening? You’ve got Stephan Jenkins parked outside his ex-girlfriend’s workplace with his buddies, one of them just casually playing the autoharp in the backseat of the Lincoln Continental while they wait for her to show up. They wait so long one of them runs out to get coffee for everyone!

Once she arrives at work, Stephan’s like, “Let’s go, boys,” and tosses his styrofoam coffee cup on the street (UNNECESSARY!) while they all gather their instruments and make their way up to her office. One obligatory late ‘90s/early ‘00s fish-eye lens elevator ride later, Stephan RUDELY EMPTY-HANDED when his drummer is supposedly bringing an entire kit up all by himself???, they’re set up in the lobby and ready to play out Stephan’s revenge fantasy. I’ll admit, it’s pretty iconic — the way he rips off his black long-sleeved shirt to reveal a gray long-sleeved shirt underneath (why), when he pulls at the locked glass doors to the office right as the drums kick in, him screaming into the intercom, that blue background with his White Walker eyes . . . but man, what are we saying with this video. Like, her coworkers are (presumably) calling security and she is peeking out from behind the wall, but all of it is done in an aesthetic music video way and not an urgent wow-my-ex-is-unhinged kind of way.

I guess you could make the argument that the whole video is like, in his head. A fantasy of what you want to do when you’re heartbroken and angry. It was also 1997 and god knows this isn’t the only piece of media to have a weird message around grand gestures or consent or what have you. No matter what, the video and song itself are very linked together in my head, which is probably the mark of a successful music video when it comes down to it.

So yeah, there are my piping hot thoughts on the 1997 hit “How’s It Going to Be.” And YOU KNOW WHAT this Fuck-Off Newsletter actually really cheered me up. It reminded me of:

• the time the lead singer of Eve6 said that Stephan Jenkins was “such an asshole it’s almost generous” and I knew exactly what he meant

• the time a friend sent me a recent DeuxMoi IG story where the account had asked about anonymous celebrity gossip and someone had written in about Stephan Jenkins and my friend was like, “I thought you’d want to know that you’re not the only one still looking for tea in 2023” and I DO want to know that!!

• the fact that I really do need to get back to Baseball Book edits which is what I’m supposed to be working on right now, and one of my questions is whether I go ahead and leave in the three stealth Third Eye Blind references I worked into a single scene or whether I leave them alone as a little Easter egg just for me

• the time my friend and I were leaving the “Evening with Third Eye Blind” concert we went to for my birthday and she said “how’s it gonna be . . . getting out of this parking lot” which can still make me belly laugh when I think about it

• this guy Shazam-ing Third Eye Blind’s live performance of “I Want You” during the show

My moment of Zen.

Currently reading . . . I just finished a reread of a A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall for my romance book club, and I just. Love this book so much. I’m back in my annotation era so I was underlining a line every single page, and here I’m going to open the book to a random page and select whatever quote I underlined to share with you. Page 82, let’s go . . .

What faculty did she possess, what gift, what magic that could conjure laughter from nothing. From dust and air. From places so full of tears.

and then

He was not as quick as she was and had to pause a second or two to arrange his reply.

I loved the first quote because it was a perfect summary of a reason why you fall in love with someone, why Gracewood is in love with Viola who can coax him back into himself in a way no one else can. And it’s phrased beautifully because Alexis Hall is a beautiful writer. The second quote isn’t as flashy, but I liked it because I enjoy that he’s not as quick as she is and he knows it! But she makes him want to keep up. idk, what a great romance.

I also just started One Carefree Day by Whitney Amazeen, who you may remember was one of my very sweet table neighbors at Steamy Lit. Enjoying it so far! Mental health representation (OCD), coming-of-age themes as the two leads both navigate beauty school, a tender scene where they wash each other’s hair . . . grateful I had the chance to meet Whitney and learn more about her books!

watching . . . I’ve watched all of The Summer I Turned Pretty at this point and no spoilers here but all I will say is I am caught up on both seasons and now come with 30% More Unpopular Opinions! Personally, if I had two brothers both in love with me at the same time I would board the first flight out of the country and you’d never hear from me again. Too much pressure no thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

listening to . . . In the last week, I have become obsessed with The Publishing Rodeo Podcast. In the past 5 days or so, I’ve listened to like 4/5 of the episodes they have available, which means I’ve consumed approximately 21 hours or so of this podcast. The basic gist: hosts Sunyi Dean (author of The Book Eaters) and Scott Drakeford (Rise of the Mages) both debuted in the same genre from the same publisher in the same year . . . with very different experiences. Through that lens, they talk about all kinds of nitty gritty stuff about the publishing industry, from chats with booksellers to other authors to the person behind Illumicrate and on and on. From the very first episode, it felt so refreshing to just hear them state their advances outright, to talk through the details of their contracts or sales or marketing plans, and all without any ego or bitterness. (Okay, sometimes a little bitterness, but in a cheerful or matter-of-fact way? If that makes sense?) Anyway, I’ve found the podcast very comforting for whatever reason and I highly recommend it to other writers in particular — if post-book deal, so you’ll know you’re not alone, and if pre-book deal, so you’ll know a little bit more going in. ALSO I feel like this podcast might finally get me to read more fantasy??? I have Fourth Wing waiting for me and I’ve loyally listened to several Warhammer 40k audiobooks because I’m a Good Partner (/I legit enjoyed them), so I’m ready.

** oh and here’s a buy link for my recent romance With Love, from Cold World, so if anyone on my marketing team sees this they can see I’m doing my job and not just fucking off despite literally calling this a Fuck-Off Newsletter