oh, what did you say?

"hide and seek" by imogen heap & the miscommunication trope

I know a lot of us think of The OC when we think of “Hide and Seek,” and that is totally fair and our millenial birthright. But since I recently finished a rewatch of Normal People, which also uses this song very effectively, I thought it was perfect for this newsletter, where I’m going to talk a bit about the miscommunication trope (and also end up spoiling parts of Normal People and maybe some of my books, so you’ve been warned).

I feel like, in romance, the “miscommunication trope” is one of the most violently hated things. Right up there with third-act breakups, since they often go hand-in-hand. Or maybe that’s just *my* algorithm, which is perfectly designed to offer me things that feed into my exact writerly insecurities at any given time (e.g., if I’m thinking of a project with an age gap, suddenly everyone I see is talking shit about age gaps, if I’m writing friends-to-lovers, suddenly everyone is friends-to-lovers’ number one hater, etc. etc.)

Personally, I fucking LOVE miscommunication.

There, I said it.

Here’s what I don’t like, and when I think the “miscommunication trope” gets a bad name: Dick and Sally have started dating and say they’re in love. Then one day, Sally’s out shopping on Main Street when who does she see but her boyfriend! Dick! With another woman¹! Furious and scorned, Sally hangs up the phone the next time he calls. She never answers the phone again! Dick tries to see her AN single time, but when she won’t open the door, he’s like fine, fuck you, Sally! Eighteen years go by before Sally finds out that woman she saw was Dick’s sister, Jane. Whoops! My bad! Sally and Dick make up and are in love again.

Situations like that are frustrating because it’s like, why wouldn’t you even hear Dick out? I’m a nosy bitch, if nothing else I’d be like WHO IS SHE, WHAT THE FUCK, HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON, etc., all of which would be perfect opportunities for Dick to tell me, slow down, that’s my sister. Then I’d feel a little crunchy and Dick would say, you know, if you really trusted and loved me I feel like maybe you would’ve assumed there was a reasonable explanation? Before you jumped to the worst conclusion? And I’d be like, you’re right, you’re right, anyway how is Jane I’d love to meet her, and I hope you didn’t tell her all about this haha.

And if Dick loves Sally as much as he says, why didn’t he fight for her harder? Didn’t he think it was weird that she suddenly stopped taking his calls? Isn’t he smart enough to put together that RIGHT AFTER he was seen around town with another woman — his sister that he’s apparently never told the love of his life about — Sally suddenly went radio silent?

That’s a poorly executed plot device, and I’m frustrated with it. (There is also often an inherently heteronormative lens to this trope, where I find it interesting that when a character has no reason to know someone’s sexuality they are nonetheless jealous when they see them with a character of another gender and totally cool if they see them with a character of the same gender, but that’s a whole nother bag of worms.)

For me, miscommunication in a book works well when it feels grounded in the characters and in real human dynamics. As people, we do be miscommunicating!!!! Maybe you’re living in your brick house and can throw as many stones as you want, but my house is delicate glass and I promise you that I can’t judge characters for doing what I myself do every day. I do want my needs met but I don’t always want to have to say them out loud!!! Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?

Let’s take Normal People, for example, since I just rewatched the show. (So this will be about the show and not the book, since it’s been over a year since I’ve read the book and I wouldn’t be able to confidently cite the differences between the two.)

Marianne and Connell have had an on-again, off-again, sometimes secret, sometimes fraught, relationship between high school and college (converting these terms to my American equivalents, sorry). Now in college, they’re finally back together again, and things seem to be going well. But they’re both still damaged people, and the fact that they’re happy together doesn’t completely banish the insecurities and fears that are lurking underneath.

When Connell finds out that he won’t have a job over the summer, and his roommate is going to sublet Connell’s space out since he can’t afford rent, Connell spins out about what to do. “Why don’t you just ask Marianne to live with her?” his roommate suggests. It’s kind of the perfect solution — she lives alone in a paid-for flat, they’re in love — but Connell can’t bring himself to do it. Meanwhile, Marianne has been bothered by the fact that Connell won’t always show her affection in public, which reminds her of their high school sneaking around days when she was the “weird” girl at school and he didn’t want to be seen with her.

In one version of their break-up scene, it focuses more on Connell’s experience of those days — his stress over money and his place at college, his insecurities about being seen as “less than” by richer, more confident people at school, the way he’s threatened by other guys who make no secret of the fact that they think they’re better for Marianne than him. So when he and Marianne are together in a tense moment alone, he says, “I guess you want to see other people, or, uh . . .” He’s hesitant, searching. He doesn’t want to see other people. He’s feeling her out, wanting reassurance. But then she says, “I guess so, yeah,” her voice is harsh and cold. It feels pretty final. Okay, that must’ve been what she was wanting all along. His insecurities were right.

In another version of the break-up scene, we see Marianne thinking back on it, wistful as she’s by herself and missing Connell. In that version, he asks, almost gently: “So I guess we should see other people?” It feels like he’s suggesting it, like he’s breaking up with her in as soft a way as he can. “I guess so,” she says, resigned. She always knew he didn’t really want her, that eventually she’d be too weird for him. (Note the key difference, that in HIS version it was “you want to see other people” and in hers it was “we should see other people.)

As a viewer, it is SO FRUSTRATING because of course we can see that these are two people who care about each other deeply! They don’t want to break up! If anything, they want to love harder, they want to love more, they want validation that the other one is as in this as they are. Later, we even find out that Marianne is like of course I would’ve let you stay with me that summer?? That would’ve been perfect???

But in a very human way, I think this miscommunication works. It feels earned for the two characters and where they are in that moment. And I won’t spoil the ending of the show — well, I guess I kind of will? hard not to if I’m going to say this — but I remember feeling kind of sad about it at the end of my first watch but this time around I started crying but it felt like in a good, cathartic way? Like it just felt like these two characters had come SO FAR as people and you could really see the growth in the way they cared about each other.

One time, I got tagged in a review of With Love, from Cold World that was in French, so I couldn’t read any of it, but one word stood out clear as day in all caps that suggested the person was not a fan: MISCOMMUNICATION! Touché, as the French might say. I know that book in particular has some frustrating miscommunication in it with Asa and Lauren’s break-up.

But I really do stand by it, because I think for each of their characters it makes sense that they’d be in love but still vulnerable to having that one core wound pushed upon. For Lauren, it’s that fear of abandonment, which she’s had since she was a kid and was raised in foster care. So when Asa says “I can’t do this” what she hears is “I don’t want to be with you anymore” and of course her pride rushes in to make sure that he knows that it’s fine, she expected this, she’s not hurt by it.

Asa just meant that he couldn’t do all the secrecy at work anymore, that he wanted their relationship to be able to be full and complete and committed. He spent a lot of his formative years hiding his bisexuality, and so hiding in general just doesn’t feel great to him, but also — he loves Lauren! He wants to be able to act like it! And he would’ve explained all of that to Lauren when she clearly misunderstood him, but his core wound is that deep down he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. He never went to college, he still lives with housemates, he works basically the same job that he did as a teenager. He can’t shake the fear that she’ll somehow figure that out, and want nothing to do with him. So when she makes a crack about his job, it activates his pride and suddenly he’s more concerned about making sure that she knows it’s fine, he’s happy where he is, he doesn’t need anything else.

It’s a stupid fight! Ultimately! The kind of thing where looking back on it you can be like, “man, were we just really stressed about a lot of stuff changing at work and early enough in our relationship that we weren’t always confident in communicating how we felt and not one hundred percent sure the other person feels as strongly as we do and so still kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop?” But at the time, it feels like life or death.

Me in Florida summers for real.

To me, I like miscommunication and third-act breakups (not that romances have to ALWAYS have either! I like options! I like variety!) because they feel like the tests that real relationships often go through. They give the couple one final time to really commit to each other, not just stay together because they’ve been having some good times, but to overcome one final hurdle to prove that they’re all in. (And in books that don’t have a traditional third act-breakup, I maintain that there still needs to be SOMETHING in this section, some conflict or tension, even if it’s not the couple breaking up per se.) As long as any miscommunication feels true to the characters and grounded in reality — and for a happily ever after, as long as it gets worked out in the end! — I think it’s totally fine. In fact, from a narrative standpoint, I’m like THANK YOU for giving me some DRAMA, some ANGST, make me FEEL IT, make me shout at these people!!

(I’m not even going to get into the “miscommunication” in The Art of Catching Feelings right now, except to say that it’s a little frustrating when people complain about things that are in the description of the book, like I put it on the tin!! It’s a hidden identity book, so if you really don’t like that, I don’t know what to say, I tried to warn you! Personally, as this newsletter proves, I am a MONSTER and I love some hidden identity and lying, yes it stresses me out but in a GOOD WAY I was raised on the greats, baby!)

A couple final housekeeping things, there should probably be more things but I left this till the last minute again:

• whoa would you believe that same Goodreads giveaway for Never Been Shipped is STILL running, through the end of today (4/30)!

• I am going to be announcing more preorder swag details soon, and if you preorder from my local indie Tombolo Books, I will personalize your book in ANY WAY YOUR MOST UNHINGED MIND CAN THINK OF, seriously, I love hearing from Tombolo about the requests coming in, just put any personalization request in the Comments section of your order.

Currently reading . . . I’ve been rereading Lisa Kleypas’ Chasing Cassandra because Something just put me in the mood for a man with only five emotions! (He does add a few, thanks to Cassandra). It’s such a delightful book and a comforting read, and is pairing beautifully with the monstrous Sylvia Plath biography I’m STILL reading and the monstrous Needful Things audiobook I’m STILL listening to.

watching . . . In addition to Normal People, I also rewatched Wimbledon because Something put me in the mood to watch a movie with Paul Bettany about intensely-minded sports people. Is the scene where Kirsten Dunst serves imaginary tennis balls to him in an abandoned carnival (?) and then they look up and see the comet just about the cutest fucking scene to ever appear in a romcom or what?

listening to . . . also Something has me listening to The 1975 a lot! I don’t know what that’s about but a playlist mix of their songs has been getting me through!

1. Bonus points if they’re looking at engagement rings!